8.26.07 - Kidnapped

When last I wrote, I was just about to leave for Tennessee. Not a day into the trip, as I was relieving myself, some gentlemen made me an offer no bear would pass up. On the promise of a bucket of blueberries, I followed them to their truck where they turned on me and forced me into a cage.

They kidnapped me because they thought I would make a perfect mascot for their traveling motor sports show. I would be lying to say I wasn’t a little bit flattered. I’ve always had at least one paw in show business. Hell, when I was in college I took a bit part I’m not very proud of in a Stanley Kubrick horror flick where I gave a butler a blow job.



Anyway, I spent the better part of a month with these guys. Things got off to a rough start, however. We pulled into a Wendy’s, and I was feelin’ some Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers™, like maybe 400 of them. I don’t speak any English, and they didn’t understand Bear, so I ended up with 3 Fish Sandwiches™.

On top of that, everyone in the parking lot was taking my photo. And then half of the Wendy’s staff came out to get pictures with me, Abu Ghraib style. There I was, sitting naked in a cage, with this uniformed nincompoop grinning for a picture. I hope Dave Thomas’s ghost court-martials him.