I’ve spent the past week scoping out what must be every retirement home in East Tennessee, and I can’t say it’s been fun. I used to frequent old-folks homes around Christmas and Memorial Day with a Reggae-Klezmer band I played in when I was rebellious teenager, but there’s a big difference between visiting to bring music to warm peoples’ hearts, and visiting to survey the prospects of bringing in a disgruntled old bear.
These places are all the same. The smell of pee and death wafts through fluorescent-lit hallways leading nowhere. (Sorry for getting mildly poetic for a moment, but a week like this will do that to a bear.)
I was getting mighty discouraged in my quest until today when I came upon the most novel establishment: Binary Sunset Rest Center. A Star Wars-themed nursing home! The nurses all wander around in storm trooper costumes and their syringes light up and have light saber sound effects built in. And on Tuesday nights at 5, right after naptime, they have a Cantina scene-themed dance in the common room with a live band.
Of course, this all got my attention in a hurry, but what finally sold me was the free ice cream they were handing out to anyone who signed up in the dining area. If you ever meet a bear who claims to be impervious to the persuasive powers of ice cream, he’s either got rabies or he’s a pathological liar, and either way, you should run as fast as you can. Unless it’s a grizzly, in which case you’re supposed to curl up and play dead. I think. You can thank me later for that.
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